About Me
My name is Jeff Harrison and I’m 27 years old. I feel like life is pointless right now and I just want to find a purpose and a true love. I’m usually pessimistic and I don’t attempt to make any changes unless someone else wants them. I’m currenly looking for housing and employment, but I have doubts that I won’t achieve them until I actually make an effort. Yes, I’m that lazy.
I do have some hobbies. I play shooters and I listen to music. I love metal and I’m obsessed with last.fm and The Word Alive. Even though I do enjoy music this blog and writing are my current favorites. I love writing about what I’m thinking about because I have no one else to talk to about them. I do enjoy watching sports as well. Hockey and baseball are my favorites, but I do enjoy american football as well.
I’m in DBT to help me with my cutting and suicidal urges. It doesn’t seem to help. That’s why I’m expecting my therapist to kick me out of therapy. I obviously have no commitment. There is one thing is getting on my nerves though. I recently graduating from DBT, but I’m still doing individual therapy. I don’t enjoy group anyway. Talking in front of other’s is something I must perform better.
I’m older than you and, like you, have always been terribly shy and quiet around others most of my life, so I thought I’d share what I’ve come to realize about myself. The thing is, it’s okay to be yourself. If you’re naturally quiet you’re just being yourself. Nobody said you have to be the life of the party if it’s not in your nature. Your true friends and family are going to accept you and love you just as you are and that’s all that matters. If some days you’re feeling a little wild and crazy and you want to stand out more, then go for it. But the best advice I can give is to be who you are, not what you think others feel you should be, cause then you’ll just feel foolish. People who know you won’t look at you as some freak of nature because you’re not as outgoing as some of them may be. They’ll just accept you as the naturally reserved individual you are. And that’s just fine. But if it’s really bothering you try sitting in on a Public Speaking class. Watch and listen until you feel comfortable enough to participate. Because usually shy people are just feeling a lack of confidence. We’re afraid we might say the wrong thing and be laughed at by people we respect. If that happens, hell, just play it off like it was meant to be a joke anyway. But above all stop worrying so much about it. Things will get better or, like me, you’ll come to realize it wasn’t that damn important to begin with.
Hi Jeff, Its my first visit here… You like sports and that’s great ! Your hobbies are very interesting. By the way what do you do ? Do you still study ? Why do you say you are no longer happy ? Go out and socialize with people , you may get a friend there . Just move out of your comfort zone and explore yourself..It’s high time!
Self Awareness Test – Are you aware of what makes you tick or are you confused about yourself? Do you know yourself inside out or you have no clue about your own self? Find out all this and more with this test. It also tells you where you are lacking and how to get over your problems.
http://www.3smartcubes.com/pages/tests/selfawareness/selfawareness_instructions.asp
i wish you all the best.
Awwww Jeff you seem so sweet. I just want you to know that you are not alone. x
You were Emo before your treatment right?
Gosh, we are so similar… and I’m just 1 year younger than you, but all other details are the same – shyness, self-injury, etc.
Hey, I used to be afraid of other people’s opinions about me, but eventually I learned not to care anymore. Sure, I may have become a little arrogant, but at least I am more confident now.
Cheers
hey, saw your latest post, just wanted to drop a line. i went through a really rough patch in my life as well. won’t bore you with the details, but it was a really bad time for me mentally. we’re kinda the same in some aspects so i kinda know how you feel. of course, its impossible to completely feel the same – i won’t ever claim that. i’m doing better now, hope it gets better for you too.
I used to cut, when I was a lot younger then you. I was twelve at the time, and cutting was how I got past bullies, pressure to do well, and my parents. The mental repercussions are still here now, and while I still have urges to cut, the urge to kill myself no longer exists.
It’s hard, oh god do I ever know it, but I’m working through it. Knowing that I’m not along really helps me sometimes.
I like your blog, it’s nice to see people being honest about where they are in life. Keep your head up.
you can count me in as one of your friends…a shoulder to cry on..take care.
Not everybody is outgoing . You’d be surprised to know that majority are just like you ( and me too ) , shy and introverted. Don’t stress about it.
My life story exactly. but this was until i proclaimed myself as a hedonist now i do only what pleases me and me alone and whatever constructive i do revolves around gathering the means to satisfy the ‘hedonistic me’. Give it a thought, will help you, certainly.
Praying. It will get better. You sound like a fantastic person. Just trust!
June, 2011. Droplets of red from my palm. Pain increasing as I tighten the muscles in my right hand, holding a razor blade. Thin bones shining through pale skin. A failed promise of no repetition. A teardrop. A silent cry for help. A glance at a container of sleeping pills. The sound echoes when I release the tension in my hand, letting go of the bloody razor blade. The blade hits the cold, bathroom floor tiles and leaves a bloody stain next to the container. “One pill won’t hurt you” I tell myself in a soft whisper, “One pill makes tears go away.” One swallowed, then two. 12 pills later someone bangs on the white bathroom door. “Steph, open the door. Let me in!” a distant voice yells. My fuzzy vision and dizziness makes it harder to listen to my mother’s cries. Black spots, one by one making my view of the bathroom smaller. A loud, clear whisper saying “Welcome, we’ve been waiting for you”. Then I reach for the door and leave one last bloody line on the whiteness before my vision blurrs and my thoguhts fade away with the wind. I hear one last scream before my mind is in a different world. Goodbye mommy.
Jeff, I’ve been reading your blog for months now, and I want you to know you’ve inspired me beyond belief. You’re truly an amazing person. You can email me anytime if you ever need a friend. pepperspethuman1005@yahoo.com
-Anna
http://maggiemaeijustsaythis.wordpress.com/recognition/ I have nominated you for this award Jeff..I think your writing is so honest and it touches me. Wanted to let you know.
Jeff ~ This is my first time on WordPress and your blog popped up out of nowhere…. What you said in your most recent blog indicates to me that you are filled with self-loathing. Yet, when others respond to your posts, they are all complimentary. I sense that you do not know your own self-worth. I also sense that you might have been bullied when you were a child/teenager. You write about yourself as though you know yourself so well, but do you really? You said you like Metal Rock and writing on this blog. I know nothing about Metal but I noticed that you write very well and someone has even nominated you for WordPress recognition. As the song goes “This could be the start of something BIG!” Start with a short story first, then expand. I hope and will pray that you never cut yourself again or try to commit suicide. I believe the world will lose a potential SUPERSTAR if you do. Give your life purpose and work toward a goal. I know in my heart that you have something important to contribute to this world…….
In closing, if you know the story of Angelina Jolie, then you know that she was also a cutter. She was making it as a movie star but I
believe she found purpose in her life when she adopted her oldest child. I suggest you read about her life in depth.
I believe in you, Jeff! Prove me RIGHT!